
Birthday post. HBD. 44 with a 4 year-old. Hi.
Birthday reflection post coming your way...
Am I Doing This Right?
I’ve been at this 'in my forties' thing for over 10,000 hours now, so as an expert, let me say that your 40’s are all about realizing that you ARE doing it right. This getting older thing. In my late 30s, I was constantly wondering, "Am I doing this aging thing, right??"
"Why does half of me feel 60 and the other half barely 16? Am I supposed to be buying special creams or doing botox now? Secret gurus or life lessons I should know by now, but somehow don't... What's the secret?"
Well, 44 has me close enough to 50 to realize that I am doing everything right. You too. Promise. You don't need a special cream, or even botox. Unless you love it, do your thing. Just watch Demi Moore in The Substance to get an even wider view of aging with vanity rather than grit and growth. (It's good, watch it..)
Yes, I fail on a daily basis at something. But the way I fail and grow has gotten so much easier. My mind has had its fill of life experiences at this point. Now, it’s all about breaking the cycle of muscle memory – changing what I consciously know needs to be changed, but also what is so ingrained in my history and habits that some days it feels impossible to shed.
Those struggles involve self-esteem, triggers for anxiety and depression, anger, and even fear. Self-talk that I’ve been doing since my teens, but have slowly been changing.
Breaking generational cycles of trauma, blah blah, is what one therapist of mine called it. I liked that.
I haven’t done a birthday list in a while, but here it goes…
FIVE Lessons at 44 - Birthday Reflection
ONE - ON RELATIONSHIPS...
(Longest one in the bunch, for good reason.)
If you’re someone like me - who keeps their social world small to comply with their bandwidth for social exhaustion – you know it's wise to choose your 'people' wisely. You are energized by depth, repelled by fakeness and surface-level banter. You do it too, but it isn't what drives you.
For empaths, highly sensitive people and introverts - or extroverted introverts like me.. Every connection carries meaning. Relationships mean more. Some people won’t understand this. Some will run from your vulnerability, authenticity, and warmth. Your wide-open eyes who really notice people fully instead of a casual glance. Introverts make pretty rad friends, if you can dig deep enough. Beyond the unpolished replies and possible awkward silences.
For my fellow introverts: Don’t waste time on ‘maybe’ friends. You literally don’t have the nervous system bandwidth for it. But also don't give up. Discomfort means you are probably on the right path.
On your search for the right connections, let your nervous system do the choosing. When someone shares light and warmth with you, notice. Don’t listen to that instinct to run from things that feel too easy, surprisingly kind, or startlingly warm. Especially in a city like LA, where the vibe is to be carefree and cool, demure and busy. When someone shocks you with honest warmth, notice.
Human Nature
Human Nature is to Survive. Nice People = Weak. Where's the strong, bitchy person who will defend me at all costs??
Humans tend to run from warmth, as sad as that sounds. We are cautious, and skeptical. Why is this person so nice? Are they just actually nice or is there something wrong with them? Ohhhhhhh, they are literally just nice. YES. Found a keeper.
It puts pressure on us to be warm back. Am I doing it right? Am I being friendly and interested without being needy or overly open? Did I overshare? Did I show too much enthusiasm? Does this person actually like me, or are they just LA sparkle with enough charisma to fill a Beverly Hills pool?
Authenticity Rules
There’s only one way to live: Open and wide. Authentic and vulnerable. It’s the only way real connections will ever happen. Yes, it will send others away. But that’s the whole point. And this is hard. It’s painful. It’s a game of numbers.
How many close friends have you had in your life vs. how many people you’ve interacted with in your life? The numbers are not on your side.
“Everyone loves me” is not the same as “I have this armload of deeply connected friendships that bring my life so much more than people-pleasing ever did.”
TWO - SELF WORTH // SUPERFICIAL
Birthday review of the year, lesson I keep learning as a mom who chooses to be the primary caretaker... Your self-worth is not determined by your job. Even when it actually kinda is. Or at least feels like it.
This is a tough one because society – especially in big cities – absolutely does judge you by what you do, how white your teeth are, how smooth your forehead is, how big your house is, what car you drive, and what neighborhood you live in.
It’s like curb appeal for a home buyer. We assess the surface-level things and make assumptions. We all do it.
Live long enough – like, say, 44 – and have enough messy interactions with people who look shiny and brilliant on paper, and you start to realize that most of it is just a mask to cover something that needs healing.
I used to fall for it all the time. I was always drawn to the shiny, bubbly girl in the room – the one who kinda looked like me but maybe had even better clothes and teeth. The one who knew the secrets to perfect skin and always said the right thing in a group setting. That’s who I wanted to be besties with.
But in my 30s, I learned to stop chasing that. Now, I embrace anyone who puts my nervous system at ease. It’s a healthier survival instinct for me, compared to finding the strongest, most-capable person in the room. Sometimes, those people are also in fact the people who actually put us at ease - for real - and those are the magical unicorn humans of the world. Yes, they exist. And yes, I have some in my life that constantly stun and amaze me.
So like I said, it's complicated.
But all that doesn’t mean I give up on people like me. The ones still balancing their inner and outer lives. The ones who sometimes still need the mask but have gold and sparkles underneath. I fight for those people because they are me – soft and flawed, just trying to survive.
The key is knowing the difference between a mask for survival and a mask for vanity. Lipstick on a pig, as my realtor once said. (Though, honestly, I love pigs, so maybe not that one.)
THREE - BE DIFFERENT /// REBEL
Be different. This one never gets old.
When you don’t fit in, you react. Show up to a party Bridget-Jones-style, wearing a skimpy bunny costume in a sea of jeans and tees, and yeah – you panic. But instead of cringing, use humor and self-love to move forward. Sounds cheesy, but that’s the secret.
As a parent, I often feel like I’m doing it wrong when I’m doing it differently. I’m working to shift that. My intuition, my rare and unique soul, feels different – and that’s pretty cool.
FOUR - ON JOY /// CREATE HAPPY
Make joy a priority.
We all have big goals. Money. Career. Social status. But sometimes, we look up, and the room we sit in feels empty of joy.
You don’t need joy to survive. But you need it to live.
And with a small human just learning about life, I work my hardest to create joy – intentionally.
Late for school because all our favorite Taylor Swift songs were popping up on Alexa, and we had to have a dance party? Absolutely.
Ice cream before dinner because we just felt like it? Yes.
Staying up too late to finish a sparkle-glitter tape rainbow craft? OK.
Taking an extra moment to arrange her room because I know she wouldn’t yet know how to make it as magical as I can – because she doesn’t have my design skills yet? Of course. That kind of thing breeds joy.
Noticing how my body feels in certain settings and actively choosing the ones that feel effortless and joyful? Always.
FIVE - ON BOUNDARIES...
Boundaries in motherhood are different.
If you find yourself being a mom to a kid, while you are in your late 30s and 40s -- boundaries will be a challenge.
At this age in life, we finally get good at knowing where to set our boundaries. We even start enforcing them. And then?
My kid smashes them to bits. The lines you have set get trampled over like a toddler ignoring the trail of spilled blueberries on the floor. Leaving a muddy sea of purple and blue in her wake.
When you are a parent, you can’t cling to the boundaries you’ve set. The boundaries you made to protect yourself. Why? Because your child's needs or even wants come first. You have to bend in ways you never expected.
For example, I’ve always felt guilty about my energy reserves. I have Hashimoto’s. I get socially exhausted. Even though I love my friends, a long girls’ weekend wipes me out. Late-night cocktail dinners drain me. I used to force myself to do it anyway. Now?
I know my boundaries. I’m a brunch kinda girl. That’s when my energy is high, and it doesn’t wreck my next day. That’s a boundary I love. But as a mom, sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, I have to push past my limits for my child’s experiences or social experiences that are connected to her life or community of friends. And that’s okay. Because when you have kids, boundaries aren’t just about you anymore.
Yes, it's good for kids to see you setting boundaries and abiding by them. But that's a different thing entirely..
Ok guys...
GOTTA GO..
So, I could list so many more life lessons. But my body is telling me it’s time to stop. It’s my birthday. It’s 5 AM. My cats need feeding. And I need to ease into this day a little softer.
But if you keep following along, I promise – more stories, more lessons, always.
Love you guys. Stay well, listen to your body, and create some damn joy for yourself in this life.
We only get to do this once.
I love u for being here. xoxo
~ K